Girls Night Uh-oh

I am lucky enough to have been blessed with a group of gals who I have been friends with since high school.  In our 25+ years of friendships, there have been ups and downs, blessing and tragedies, joys and sorrows.  To help keep us sane, we venture out once a month of a Girls Night Out.   We like to keep things fun by trying new and different things each month.  Last night we ventured out into the frigid evening to get mani/pedis, have dinner, and then tune up our pipes with some karaoke.

After a cold, snowy, stress-filled week, I was super excited to go hang out with my gal pals, first to pamper ourselves, and then to embarrass ourselves.

I wrapped up the week at my office and headed out to make sure everything was copacetic on the homefront.  Kids home.  Homework done.  Errands fulfilled.  Now, time to make myself GNO ready to go.

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Not too bad for a soon to be ol’ lady.  (Full disclosure, the glasses are not mine.  They belong to my mini-me.  I think I do them justice.  Can’t see for crap out of them, but I look cute! 😉 Plus, it annoys her when I take her things and take selfies.  Score one for mom! )

On the way to meet everyone at the salon, I made a quick stop at Target to pick up a few things.  Since it was GNO, I traded in my daily ‘student chasing’ tennis shoes, for a cute little pair of black heels.  A girl’s gotta look good after all!  Click-click…  Click-click…  Click-click… I cruised myself into and around Target, grabbing what I needed, but, as I clomped around, something just didn’t feel right.  Click-click… Is it my zipper?  Nope, that’s up.  Click-click… Did I remember to turn off my straightener?  Yes, I know I did.  Click-click… Do I have my phone?  Yup, it’s right here.  Click-click… So what could it be?  Click-click…   Click-click…  Click-wait…am I limping?  It’s at that moment I realize what I wrong.  A quick look down confirms my suspicions.

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I’m wearing two different shoes.

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Not only are they different shoes.

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But they are also different heights.

I’m an idiot.

In my rush to get out for a night of relaxation and laughter with the girls, I didn’t even realize what I had put on my feet.  I can maybe excuse myself because they are the same color with similar toe shapes, but I have no words for the fact I made my left leg an inch shorter than my right.

I’m a girl who believes in signs.  These shoes are a sign of two things.  1)  I desperately need a night out.  2)  The universe wants me to buy new boots.

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I’m nothing if not a rule follower…

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Sleep, what’s that?

Sleep, it’s the most important meal of the day.  Wait, that’s breakfast or something.  Anyway, people are always going on and on about how freaking important sleep is.  ‘It’s rejuvenating.  It recharges the body.  It keeps you looking youthful.’  Blah, blah, blah.

I always knew I wasn’t getting enough, but I didn’t know the half of it.

I go to bed between 10:30 and 11:00 pm everyday and wake up at 5 am.  People are always preaching this luxurious 8 hours of sleep, but that is an illusive mirage in my casa.  I figure getting a good solid 6 would just have to do.  Sure, I woke up every morning feeling just as exhausted as when I had crashed the night before, but that’s just normal, right?

Wrong.

For Christmas this year, I asked my lovely hubby for a fitness monitor….and he actually listened!  He gave me a Garmin Vivosmart, a nifty little gadget that does way more than count my step and tell me my heart rate.  Along with the added features of telling time, tracking my runs, counting my calorie burn, and being able to turn on my iTunes library (so cool!), it also gets my phone notifications and …. (drum roll) monitors my sleep.

When I was reading the list of features, I didn’t really understand why one would want to monitor their sleep.  I’m asleep, what’s it going to tell me?  This is going to be an uninformative graph.

Boy was I wrong.

I set myself to sleep mode, electronically and physically, that first night and snoozed (I presumed) away.  I woke up in the morning, synced myself, and my jaw hit the floor.  This is what I found.

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Originally I thought maybe all those bumps and jumps were normal.  Then I compared my graph to someone else’s.  Hers had one little bump during her hours in dreamland.  ONE!

Now I’ve always known that I move around while I sleep.  Plus, I frequently wake up and check the clock to see how long I still have until the dreaded buzzer sounds.  But, I had hard-core evidence now that I don’t actually sleep when I sleep.  I mean look at last night.

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Apparently I went out mountain climbing from 11:30 – 12:30 am.  Then I went for a little jig around the block at 2 am.  In fact, I didn’t have anytime during this 6 hours and 23 minutes that I wasn’t moving.

Ugh.

 

No wonder I wake up exhausted.

No wonder I can barely drag myself out of bed.

No wonder my calorie count is showing a 500+ burn from midnight to 5 am.

No wonder I can fall asleep at the drop of a Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Where’s Calgon when you need it?

I’m in love with Siri.  Well not in the ‘fall in love with a computer generated voice because I think it’s human’ type of way, but I do love having fun with her.

I’m quite sure I’m not utilizing Siri for her intended creator’s purposes.  I don’t ask her where the nearest Chinese Restaurant is.  I don’t need her to define any words for me.  I don’t even make her write my text messages.

What I use Siri for is answering the unknown.

Try it.  She gives some really awesome answers.

Who let the dogs out?

She knows.

What does the fox say?

She is well aware.

Don’t bother asking her where the beef is.  Siri is apparently too young for that reference, which saddens me.

But this happens to be my favorite response from Siri thus far.

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Well shit.

Since Siri is of no help, Calgon, are you still available to take me away?

Today I am thankful for….

Ok, Ok.  I know this idea got TOTALLY played out in November with everyone suddenly deciding to be grateful for everything under the sun, but, indulge me for just a minute.

I know many people have a sweet tooth, myself included, but for some reason, the things that seem to really catch my fancy are the items that some manufacturer has deemed ‘speciality’ or ‘holiday’ items, meaning I can only get them once a year.

Bastards.  (Crap, I’m probably not supposed to swear when I’m writing about being thankful.  Shit.  Dammit, I did it again.)

Anyway…

Today I am thankful for this…The Dark Chocolate Orange

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What?  You’ve never had one?  Well, let me tell you, you are missing out!  Dark Chocolate sweetness mixed with an orange citrus kick.  And as an added bonus, the treat also serves as a stress reliever since, in order to enjoy your treat, you literally have to whack the candy on a table to break it open.

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‘She said what?’ WHACK….EAT…..ENJOY

‘You want me to do what?’  WHACK….EAT….ENJOY

Honestly, if they passed these out at the doors of family gatherings, there might be less fighting and arguing, more smiling and hugging.

But now, the holidays are officially over.  Tinsel is being taken down.  Santas are being put on clearance.

Which brings me to the second thing I am thankful for in this post.  These delicious balls of sweet goodness are now 50%!  Luckily for me, I have a half empty freezer in the garage just dying to be filled up.

How many dark chocolate oranges do you think I will need to get me through work stress, family stress, and holiday stress until next November?

 

 

Total failure

I should have known the minute that I stepped out of bed, that is was going to be one of those days.

The first thought in my head when my alarm went off was, “When can I go back to sleep?”  Waking up exhausted is never a way to start a day.

I got out the door to work without any trouble.

Now I know most people LOVE a vacation day, a holiday, a shorter work week.  But when you work with behaviorally disordered kids, changes in routine become something to dread.  It was like they all called each other on that extra day off and planned special ways to try to drive us bat-shit crazy today.  I found this online today.  It about sums it up.

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After breaking free of work, I got home for the second half of my shift as mommy/household manager/taxi service.  Just looking at the evening’s schedule was enough to make me break out in hives.  Not only did I have to get the kids through their homework, but I had fire up the Soby-Mobile for trips to Voice at 5:30, Baseball at 7, and Swimming at 7:20.  Oh, and I had to get myself to a school board meeting at 7pm and at some point feed everyone a healthy, nutritious dinner.  Sure, right.  Just let me break out my flying Jetson Spacecraft and Star Trek teleporter.

The evening’s homework load came with a decent amount of complaining and whining, from me, not the children.  I think the kids noticed the ‘mom is losing it’ look in my eyes and put those pencils in overdrive.  Lil IP finished her work and we ran out of the door – late – racing to Voice lessons.

Getting out of work at 3:30 has spoiled me.  Did you know that attempting to get across town at 5:15 is a pain in the ass!?!?!  It’s like every last person on earth with a driver’s license and a vehicle got out of work at the same time.

Multiple weaves in and out of traffic, one kind-of yellow light run, and one near miss of being T-boned and the girl was dropped safely at her lesson only 3 minutes late.

Just because one is not physically present with the text books, does not mean that one gets out of the rest of homework duty.  Oh no, I spent the duration of the lesson on a conference call with T-Dog attempting to get the rest of his work completed via Verizon.

Activity one ends and we rush back across town to attempt to eat dinner.  And by attempt to eat dinner I mean.  “Quick.  Open the fridge and nuke something.  No, we don’t have time for plates.  Put it in your mouth and chew.  Swallow already.  We’ve got to get out the door.”  From 0 to Dinner in 12 minutes flat.  It’s a new record.

Grab the water bottles.  Get the swim bag.  Roll out the baseball gear.  All aboard for Round 2.

As I tore down back roads to the second set of drop offs, I kept a close eye on the clock.  I had 20 minutes to get two offspring delivered and be at my location.  Possible – maybe.  Likely – no way.

I knew I was in trouble the first few minutes into the trip.  Why is it that when you are in a hurry, you find yourself stuck at every light and behind every slow, unstressed, calendar free driver who does not understand why you need to be somewhere in such a hurry?  No seriously…  EVERY LIGHT AND EVERY SLOW DRIVER.  Eleven minutes of the twenty were used getting the boy dropped off.  Crap.  By the time I got the girl to her location, I was already supposed to be seated in my meeting.  Guess who was walking in ten minutes late…..

I get to my meeting, sit down, exhale, and try to focus on the discussion at hand.  Twenty minutes later, my phone starts going off.  Two calls from IP and a voicemail from an unknown number.  I hit decline and send IP a text to pick up T-Dog and Lil’ IP from their activities.

I’m just about to declare tonight a success…I got everyone through their homework, fed, and to their activities, when I got this text.

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What?!?!?

Shit.

Apparently I dropped my son off at practice that didn’t exist.

I have totally failed as a parent.  I guess this is another year I won’t win mother-of-the-year.

My son sat outside of a building for an hour because his crazy-ass, over-stressed mom read the calendar wrong and took him to a practice that is scheduled for tomorrow.

On the upside, he was 24 hours early for tomorrow’s practice……

 

 

 

It’s the cheesiest

Hi, my name is Kerry and I stress eat Cheddar Chex Mix.  (“Hi Kerry.”)

I usually run to the grocery store on Wednesday after work.  This Wednesday was a particularly terrible day at work.  I work with behaviorally disordered students, and we make a tally each day at dismissal whether we think with won or lost that day.  The longer version of Wednesday involves being nearly choked, a broken necklace, a police call, lots of other phone calls and endless paperwork.  The short story is…we lost.

As I drug my behind to Wally World after work, I was hoping to make it a quick and painless visit.  I wanted nothing more than to make it to my couch and my bottle of Moscato.   My trip down wine therapy was derailed as I stumbled upon something better, one of my biggest vices…Cheddar Cheese Chex Mix.

It’s the devil really.  I mean, just look at it.

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There is nothing better than all that cheesy, crunchy goodness.  The Corn Chex, the Wheat Chex, those triangle shaped fake cheese-it looking things, the… nope that’s it.  I know, I know, your saying to yourself, “Kerry, you forgot to mention the squiggly bread thingys and pretzels!”  Um, no.  I didn’t mention them on purpose.  Those, I could do without.  Yuck!  In fact, I stress eat my way right around those wasted ounces of my snack bag.  If someone out there is listening, if you could make a bag of just the Chex pieces, that would be the best!

The shopping trip was a rousing success.  In and out in less than an hour and for under $200…double bonus.  I didn’t even have the groceries completely in the car before I had the bag ripped open and the inhaling had begun.

Then, I came across the most incredible part of the Cheddar Chex Mix.  These babies.

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Oh My… I’m drooling.  I mean, just look at them.  They are so completely covered in fake, orange, poly hydrogenated, absolutely terrible for you, processed ‘cheese’ powder, that you can barely tell if they’re a Wheat Chex or a Corn Chex.  I’m in heaven.

Shovel, chew, remember to pause to breathe, shovel, chew.

I arrive home and look down at the unmistakable evidence of my weakness.

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I told you I had a problem.  I’m thinking of starting a group.

 

Reality Bites

Before you read anything further, if you were expecting a blog about the movie awesomeness that was the 1994 flick staring a pre-felony Winona Ryder and a pre-Uma Ethan Hawke, than you are going to be disappointed.  Although, I reserve the right to write that blog in the future as I LOVE that movie.

No today I am dedicating this blog to the sad reality of what my Sunday looked like, contrast to the Sunday that I had planned.

Awww Sunday… I had visions of what my Sunday would look like.  A leisurely breakfast, lingering over numerous cups of coffee while browsing the paper.  Settling in on the couch for stolen nap time, turned Packers Football time at kick off.  After celebrating the victory with a yummy roast.  After which, I’d crack open a bottle of wine and my new Jodi Picoult book while lounging bubble bath, hopelessly trying to extend the weekend and ignore the forthcoming work week.

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As the saying goes…If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I did start off my Sunday with coffee and crochet before the troops awoke from their slumber.  (Kerry – 1, Reality – 0)

After breakfast (point), as I was cracking open the paper, my darling boy reminded me that I had yet to buy him his basketball shoes and he had tip-off later this afternoon.  Good-bye paper, hello store.  (Kerry – 2, Reality – 1)

BASKETBALL SHOES ARE WAY TOO EXPENSIVE!  I would like to take this opportunity to remind the shoe makers of the world that kid’s shoes require less material to make than adult shoes, and should, therefore, based on my own mathematical equation, cost less.  Plus, we all know he will probably out grow them before the season ends and I’ll be back buying more, so you’ll end up getting more money out of my before the season ends anyway!  (Kerry – 2, Reality – 2)

As I’m finally leaving the sports store, I realized I’m missing two ingredients for my yummy roast, so off to the grocery store I went.  There went my scheduled nap time.  (Kerry – 2, Reality – 3)

Upon returning from the store, I re-evaluated my schedule, getting a clearer picture of what would and wouldn’t be happening, and decided that I would steal myself a bubble bath right then.  I skipped the wine and crammed in the first two chapters of my book.  Take that Reality!  (Kerry – 4, Reality – 4)

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My Packers game, the game against our divisional, border rivals that I wanted to scream at from start to finish, began at 12.  My son had baseball practice from 1 – 3 and a basketball game at 3.  My daughter had a basketball game with one league at 3 and another basketball game with another league at another location at 3:30.  Although I don’t fully understand Physics, I did know that it was impossible to make all of these events at the same time.  I watched my Green Bay Packers score their first 10 points before I rushed out of the house to begin my taxi services.  (Kerry – 4 1/4, Reality – 4 3/4)

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Dropped Trystan off at baseball.  Picked Trystan up from baseball early and rushed him to basketball.  Dropped Trystan off at basketball and rushed to Paige’s basketball game.  (Kerry – 4 1/4, Reality – 7 3/4)

Packers Won!  (Plus I got to see the end of the game from the TV at the Rec Center were Paige’s game was being played, so I’m giving myself 1/4 of a point back!)  (Kerry – 5 1/2, Reality – 7 1/2)

Paige won her game and played great!  (Kerry – 6 1/2, Reality – 7 1/2)

Paige’s game ended in enough time to rush, literally, to Trystan’s game and see the end of the 4th Period.  He lost, but mom got to see her baby on the court!  (Kerry – 7 1/2, Reality – 7 1/2)

Finally, home for that yummy roast, glass of wine, and a relaxing, non-rushed Sunday dinner with the fam.  (Kerry – 9 1/2, Reality – 7 1/2)

As I cleaned up the dinner dishes, catching my breath and running back through my day in my mine, I realize I actually won in every category.  Life may be crazy, chaotic, busy, stressful, and leave me wanting to pull out my hair, but I’m here to live it.  I’m on this side of the dirt.  I have an incredible husband, two awesome kids, a supportive family, a circle a friends, a warm home, food on my table, and a love all around me.  I win…..always.  (Kerry – Infinity)