It’s so hard to say I’m sorry

Ok, time to let you in on some information about Kerry…. Here’s something I’m not very good at: saying “I’m sorry.”  Here’s another thing I’m not good at:  being wrong.  It has been a character building day in my world, because they both came to a head today.  I have a very busy husband who works endlessly.  He works a full-time job and then runs a business.  In the last two years, the business has really taken off and has become its own more than full time job.  My husband comes from old Polish stock where you work, then you work, and then you work… not matter what.  He provides beyond all expectations for us.  So, today, I am feeling like garbage for what I did to him.  He got stuck at work, like always.  He is usually always an hour later that he says because someone called or someone asked him to do something or some news broke and he needed to take the call/say yes to the person/or cover it.  I have always been extremely proud of him and his professional accomplishments.  I also love how kind and caring he is an a human being, always willing to help someone out, but it brings out this jealous, controlling, angry person inside me.  Since he always says yes to work and others, he has been late to or completely missed some holidays, family times, and events over the years.  Try as I might to be kind and supportive, sometimes all the “it’s ok” and “I understands” just build up and I become this selfish monster.  There are just only so many times that I can say “it’s no big deal” until doing things solo all the time becomes a big deal and I blow.  Today I blew.  I planned to take our kids to Shakespeare on the Green last night.  I gave my husband a pre-warning a week ago.  I figured even with how busy he is, I could go, get the spot, do the picnic thing and, even with how busy he is, he could make the show itself at least.    I should have known.  He got called to do a really interesting shoot, and took it.  This meant late hours and a 13 hour day, after already being gone all day.  I said, “no problem.  I understand.  It is an important story.”  And I meant it.  News and storytelling are important to him and I support that.  I don’t want to stifle who he is and hold him back professionally.   Being at work late meant his business work was put on hold and he would have to spend more of his weekend time in his business office.  This morning, we got up and started our weekend routine, we workout, pancakes, kids and me cleaning and doing chores, him in the office working.  The he stops mid morning and says he is going to have coffee with a group of ladies he used to work with.  Enter Kerry’s jealous head.  What I say to him is a loud, ranting guilt trip about family time, not seeing him and being less important in his world.  What I’m really upset about is too difficult for me to say.  I put on this tough, ‘i’m undamageable’ front to the whole world when I am really extremely insecure.  My husband is this extremely charismatic person.  Seriously, EVERYONE loves him.  He takes time and interest in everyone he meets.  So I can just picture this coffee.  Him talking, telling intriguing stories, them all laughing.  I was jealous.  I get him in spurts, here and there, rushing out, talking to the back of his head while he works and edits.  I was imagining this laid back, social time with him and his friends.  I wanted that.  I wanted two hours to sit with coffee and treats and catch up.  I wanted his undivided attention what wasn’t interrupted with him answering his phone or being at his computer.  So I threw a childish fit about, again, other people being more important than the family.  I made him so mad that he stayed home and he closed me out of his office.  I tried to talk to him, but he cut me off.  I knew I had crossed the line.  I was so wrapped up in not having time with him and my hurt, that I said hurtful things to him.  I already know that he feels guilty for all the time he spends away.  I know that he already thinks he lets us down with how busy he is and I threw it back at him.  What I didn’t stop to consider is all the things he does do for us and provides for us.  Because of his hard work, we have a comfortable life.  If we want something, we don’t have to sacrifice to get it.  He may rush out to work, meet with clients, or shoot, but he makes all the important things.  He knows me by looking at me.  He knows the kids interests, likes, and dislikes.  We can talk to each other with a look.  He doesn’t need to finish a sentence, because I already know where his thoughts are going.  I was so jealous of the two hours that he would have spent with others being a normal human being, interacting with friends, relieving a little stress, having conversations with people who weren’t me, that I acted wrong.  Now I’m stuck here with my bad feelings and heavy heart.  I did the wrong thing.  I tried to apologize, but he’s stuck in his computer, trying to get things done, trying to clear some things off his endless to do list, and he was unreceptive to my words.  I could just let it recycle into another dispute.  I could really amp it up, that what ‘people who are never wrong’ do.  They start another argument when they hit those feelings and realize they are wrong, but can’t me mature enough to admit.  Well not me and not today.  It’s character building day in my life.  The day I let go of the ‘buts’ and excuses.  The day I let the score board go away and just let it go.  The day I don’t start another argument to try and be right, because I’m not right.  I never was.

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July = Crabby

So we have hit that time of the year when “the crabbies” rear their ugly heads.  No school, lack of their regular schedule, sleeping late, staying up, endless swimming, extra TV, extra boredom = crabby, whinny children and short-tempered, impatient mom. I just wish that bored children was not the gateway to these evil demons that have invaded my house.  Maybe these snotty, eye-rolling ‘angels’ arrive every year to create that want to return to school and work.   Just this morning, I had to wake up each of my children for their swim team practice.  My 11-year-old, going on 18 and already has the teenage ‘i know everything’ attitude, daughter just sneered at me, rolling her eyes and huffing under her breath.  She was late, but, duh, I was the stupid one for reminding her that she was going to be late for practice.  My 9-year-old normally mommy’s cuddle boy almost bit my head off when I woke him up.  The boy who wants extra hugs and kisses, instead of good morning, snapped, “I told you not to wake me up!”

This is the time when, although they won’t admit it, their little bodies are screaming for bedtime, vegetables, brain stimulation, and sleep.  I’ve tried to keep them mentally stimulated and to stop the TV monster that wants to break out.  I require my kiddos to read 30 minutes everyday, practice those math skills, and try to do something different during each week. I’m mean and evil, I know.  I’ve been told by my children.  Our summer is usually always about the pool.  My kids are water babies.  They love going to the pool and I look forward to spending three months in the sun, lounging, reading, and recouping, to make me want to go back to work in August. I do try to throw in other places, zoo, park, sporting events, movies, plus educational stuff, museums, library, plays.  Sometimes it feels like such a chore to try to entertain them.  I do not remember my mom working so hard to do all these things.  We played in our rooms, by ourselves, without constant praise for stacking blocks.  She didn’t spend the summer dragging us places.  We go up, played with our things, played outside, went to the park without parents, rode bikes to the pool without parents.  We entertained ourselves.  Now there is this endless pressure to manufacture the perfect childhood and summer for our kids.  It’s exhausting!

Oh no, kids are arriving home from swim practice, time to argue over their reading time and then shuttle them off to the library.  They may be crabby, but that’s ok…. I have a loud radio in my vehicle!