Where’s Calgon when you need it?

I’m in love with Siri.  Well not in the ‘fall in love with a computer generated voice because I think it’s human’ type of way, but I do love having fun with her.

I’m quite sure I’m not utilizing Siri for her intended creator’s purposes.  I don’t ask her where the nearest Chinese Restaurant is.  I don’t need her to define any words for me.  I don’t even make her write my text messages.

What I use Siri for is answering the unknown.

Try it.  She gives some really awesome answers.

Who let the dogs out?

She knows.

What does the fox say?

She is well aware.

Don’t bother asking her where the beef is.  Siri is apparently too young for that reference, which saddens me.

But this happens to be my favorite response from Siri thus far.

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Well shit.

Since Siri is of no help, Calgon, are you still available to take me away?

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Everything else pales in comparison

Since finishing college, I’ve taken great pride in filling out the ‘occupation’ section on forms.

Even though there are incredibly crazy, stressful days, I truly enjoy being a social worker.  I like that my job entails talking to people, a skill I apparently excel at since my grandfather has nicknamed me ratchet jaw.  Despite their cranky attitudes and explosive displays, I enjoy working with my students.  Under all that gruff exterior that they show the world, hides a group of great kids waiting to make their appearance, and I get to help them find their way out.  Plus, nights, weekends, holidays, and summers off help.  🙂  (Sidebar ~ I’m being forced to return to work tomorrow.  Only 190 workdays until next summer break….not that I’m counting or anything!)

As I’m sure you know, unless you live under a rock, which you don’t because you’re on the internet right now, there is another new heir to the royal throne.  (Not that it really matters because that ol’ lady refuses to give it up, greedy much!)  I’m not a royal watcher.  I didn’t get up for the wedding.  I don’t run out and buy the latest Kate dress knock-off.  I didn’t join a baby naming pool.  But sometimes curiosity gets the best of you.

The other day, Twitter notified my that they royal baby’s birth certificate had been officially filed.  This I had to see.

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Seriously!?!?!

Occupation – Prince/Princess of the United Kingdom.  Nothing, NOTHING, you could write down, no other occupation measures up.  ‘Oh, you’re a brain surgeon.  That’s cute.  I’m a princess.’

At least I know I’m loved

My kids go to Catholic School.  Every year they have a volunteer mass where they honor all the parents, neighbors, parishioner, and others who have volunteered during the school year.  Since I’m always at work during their weekly masses, I usually try to make it the volunteer mass each year.  A few weeks ago, I put in my sheet for the time off to attend today’s event.

As it just so happens, today is also my mom’s birthday.  Today she’s (29×2) + 3.  (My mom insists on staying 29, so the rest of us comply with her wishes….sort of.)

As we were all running around this morning getting ready, Paige called my mom to wish her a happy birthday, then we jetted off to school.  Just as mass was starting, my phone began vibrating.  I looked at it and noticed it was work.  Someone must have seen my office was empty, but didn’t talk to the main office to see that I was coming in late.  Oh well, I’ll return the call after mass.

Then a few minutes later, it goes off again.

Then another call.  This time from a different co-worker.

I know I turned in my paperwork, I hope there’s not an emergency at work.

Then IP‘s phone starts ringing.

A few more minutes later, I get a call from my mom.

Then another on my phone from work.

Then one from my mom’s cell phone.

Oh crap, there’s an emergency all right, but it’s not at work, its me.

Our father, hallelujah, stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!   Please say Mass has ended, so I can go in peace to love and serve the Lord and calm the nerves of my loved ones.

When I step outside to start returning calls, luckily, I’m greeted with endless laughter as I find out the extent to which the Finding Kerry saga reached.

When I didn’t arrive at work, they were worried.  I’m always on time, heck usually early, but no panic yet.  When I wasn’t there after 30 minutes, the calls started.  After not reaching me on my cell or at home, then not reaching IP, they called my mom.

“We don’t want to alarm you, but Kerry didn’t arrive at work today.  She didn’t call.  It’s not like her.”

“Well, I talked to Paige this morning and heard Kerry in the background.  Let me make a few calls.”

Mom decided her best first move was to call the kid’s school.  If they had been dropped off, she could start her search between there and my work.  If they weren’t at school, then she would make a B-line to my house.  Quick to action and ready to roll.  I think mom may have missed her calling by not becoming a detective.

She called the school.  “Um, this is going to sound like a weird question, but, I’m Paige and Trystan‘s grandma.  We can’t find their mom.  Were the kids dropped off at school?”

“Yep, they’re here.  Let me get the Principal for you.”

The Principal, in her infinite wisdom, scanned the pews at Mass before coming to the phone.

“Hi.  She’ in church.”

Praise the Lord!  I had been found.

Aw shucks….I might have looked good on a milk carton.

Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, um, I mean my work, they were feverishly digging through the paperwork, hoping to find proof that I wasn’t supposed to be there.  Eureka!  I’ve found it!  Kerry, 4/25, out 8-10 am at kid’s Mass.  Then my director asked the key question….”Did I sign the sheet?”  “Yes, yes you did.”

When mom called my work back to give them the good news, they relayed to her the mix-up with the paperwork and apologized for the near heart-attack they offered her as a birthday present.

I arrived at work to cheers, applause, and hugs.  The prodigal co-worker that was once lost, had been found.

Some times you walk through life not knowing if others around you really care, if you’re actually seen, if you’d really be missed.  Today I learned how kind, loving, and caring my friends at work truly are.  I’m proud to say that you have given me my Sally Field moment…

You like me, you really like me!

And I love you all!

 

 

 

 

It’s the cheesiest

Hi, my name is Kerry and I stress eat Cheddar Chex Mix.  (“Hi Kerry.”)

I usually run to the grocery store on Wednesday after work.  This Wednesday was a particularly terrible day at work.  I work with behaviorally disordered students, and we make a tally each day at dismissal whether we think with won or lost that day.  The longer version of Wednesday involves being nearly choked, a broken necklace, a police call, lots of other phone calls and endless paperwork.  The short story is…we lost.

As I drug my behind to Wally World after work, I was hoping to make it a quick and painless visit.  I wanted nothing more than to make it to my couch and my bottle of Moscato.   My trip down wine therapy was derailed as I stumbled upon something better, one of my biggest vices…Cheddar Cheese Chex Mix.

It’s the devil really.  I mean, just look at it.

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There is nothing better than all that cheesy, crunchy goodness.  The Corn Chex, the Wheat Chex, those triangle shaped fake cheese-it looking things, the… nope that’s it.  I know, I know, your saying to yourself, “Kerry, you forgot to mention the squiggly bread thingys and pretzels!”  Um, no.  I didn’t mention them on purpose.  Those, I could do without.  Yuck!  In fact, I stress eat my way right around those wasted ounces of my snack bag.  If someone out there is listening, if you could make a bag of just the Chex pieces, that would be the best!

The shopping trip was a rousing success.  In and out in less than an hour and for under $200…double bonus.  I didn’t even have the groceries completely in the car before I had the bag ripped open and the inhaling had begun.

Then, I came across the most incredible part of the Cheddar Chex Mix.  These babies.

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Oh My… I’m drooling.  I mean, just look at them.  They are so completely covered in fake, orange, poly hydrogenated, absolutely terrible for you, processed ‘cheese’ powder, that you can barely tell if they’re a Wheat Chex or a Corn Chex.  I’m in heaven.

Shovel, chew, remember to pause to breathe, shovel, chew.

I arrive home and look down at the unmistakable evidence of my weakness.

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I told you I had a problem.  I’m thinking of starting a group.

 

Fun with Friday

I have what one would call an eclectic wardrobe.  Searching through my racks, you will find everything from formal dresses from my prom and bridesmaids days to professional attire to casual kicking back clothes to sports fanatic gear.

Since on Fridays I am allowed the pleasure of leaving the business duds in the closet and sporting the jeans at work, I set out this AM to find the perfect T shirt to go with my favorite demin.

I took a quick look and laid eyes on a shirt I hadn’t worn in a while.  Yep, that was it.  The winner for the day.  I quickly grabbed it and threw it on.  Then I looked in the mirror.

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Although I still think the shirt is adorable, seeing myself in it make it painfully obvious that the shirt had officially crossed over into being too young for me. (Insert silent weeping on the passing of my youth.)

I trudged back to my closet to find a more appropriate replacement.

Yes!  This one is perfect!!

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Hey, I said the other shirt was too young, but I didn’t say I was going to grow up!

 

 

I got nothing

You know those times when you talking with someone and they make a statement that just dumbfounds you, so much so, you’ve got nothing left to say in reply?  Yup, that was my day….

As a reminder, I work with behaviorally disordered kids.  Craziness, stress, and chaos are like air, lights, and water at my work.

These are two of my conversations from today.

Student 1 – “I’m going to drop kick you from here to New York!”  (Yes, I was threatened with physical harm today at work.  Repeatedly.  It’s normal.  It happens all the time.)

Me – “What direction is New York from here?” (We are in Nebraska)

Notice my sly distraction to get off the topic of assaulting me?  I’m tricky like that!

Student 1 – “East.”

Me – “Correct!”

Student 2 – “Oh yeah!  What direction is Florida from here?”

Me – “I know.  Do you?”

Student 2 – “Yes.  North!”

Me – (Shaking my head)

Then, within minutes…

Student 1 – “Can I go to the bathroom?”

Me – “You just went 15 minutes ago!?!”

Student 1 – “Yeah, but I only went Number 1”

Me – “Great…”  (A few minutes later)  “Ready to go Number 2

Student 1 – “I don’t have to go Number 2!”

Me – “But you said you already went Number 1, so there’s only Number 2 left.”

Student 1 – “Umm, NO!  There are numbers 3, 4, and 5!”

Me – “What are Numbers 3, 4, and 5?  Nevermind…I don’t want to know.”

You think I would have figured out by now to stop asking them questions….

One of those days…

It didn’t look like it would be one of those days when I rolled out of bed.  If I had known what was in store for me, I might have just stayed under the covers.

I started the day in a hole, digging out from the paperwork I abandoned the previous day when I went running for the hills at quitting time.  As I began to scribble on a few pieces of paperwork when…

BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!

WHAT!?!?!  That can’t be the start of the day bell, I’m not caught up yet.  Great.  This better not be a sign.  As I walked to the door, I heard the familiar voice of a student making demands.  No hello, no how are you…just demands.  Man I wish I had worn my armor and closed toes shoes today.

This isn’t my first day at the rodeo, so I strapped in and prepared for the roller coaster ride that I knew was about to become my whole day.  I’ll spare you the details and cut straight to the cliffs notes.

Today I was..

– Called the following names: F*#^ing C*#!  / P*#@y / B^&#% / Stupid A&*$h#@e / Dumbo (clean and funny) / You A#* / Stupid C*#! / F*#^ing A&*$h#@e.  (I quickly realized that we need more swear words in our vernacular, as the student had to keep changing up the combinations so as not to repeat insults.)

-Pushed, grabbed, pulled, picked up, run into and flailed at by flying body parts.

-Insulted and threatened repeatedly.

-A witness to my office be torn up and my desk attempted to be ransacked. (Ha Ha!! I lock that baby everyday for a reason!)  Good luck I’ve played a fair amount of dodgeball and can move away from flying objects.

-A lightning quick magician who wrestled scissors away from angry hands.

-The luck recipient of a milk shower.  Yes, as a finally thank you from my student I wore the milk from their lunch.

Finally, 5 and 1/2 hours later, the dismissal bell rang (why does it sound oddly like a tap out bell?) and I was free to put my angel on a bus and begin my endless phone calls and paperwork.  Crap!  I still have yesterday’s paperwork.

As if I wasn’t already drained and living on one frayed nerve, I received a personal phone call telling me a medical procedure we were waiting for approval on is delayed.  Awesomeness!  Because if my professional life is going to blow up, might as well have a personal crisis join the party.  Sweet!

Last nerve officially gone.

I wanted to put my head down and cry.  (I think I might have a for a little bit, but don’t tell anyone.)

I set my mind on auto pilot, sped through my phone calls, packed up my paperwork to finish at home and made a beeline for the door.

When I got home, I switched into mom mood, hoping I could muster enough strength to push through to bedtime.  I was knee-deep in homework and getting ready to start the sports taxi when it happened.  The universe began its work to even itself out.

Not knowing how much I needed a boost today, a neighbor read my ‘cry for M&MsFacebook post and snuck a package onto my porch.  I opened my door and saw this.

I instantly smiled, laughed, and cried.  She could not have known how terrible my day was.  She could not have known how low I was feeling.  She could not have known how much I needed that.

Thank you Caryn.