What’s wrong with this picture?

I walked into the mini me’s bedroom today and found this.

photo copy 6

What’s the big deal you ask?

That is a dirty lunch box. 

Today is January 4, 2014.

The last day she was at school was December 20, 2013, but it was a half day.

The last day she took her lunch to school was December 19, 2013.

Did I mention how much fun teenagers are???

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Payback

Kids…. They are our pride and joy… the apples of our eyes… those dirty, stinky, noisy monsters that keep messing up our clean houses!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my dirty, stinky, noisy monsters, but, seriously, how many times do they have to make the same messes and hear me give the same lectures before they get it???

I have decided that in addition to constantly nagging them (because, let’s face it, I’m not going to stop nagging them), I am also keeping a list of their annoying, messy habits, so that, when they move out, I can visit their homes and provide the appropriate payback.

Here’s what I have so far…

Open the bread bag.  Make a sandwich.  Leave the dirty knife stuck to the counter.  Place open bread bag back on the fridge.  Drop and lose twist tie to close said bread bag, so that bread will go stale.

Get out Oreos.  Pour a glass of milk.  Take everything to the living room.  Dunk and eat Oreos over clean floor, leaving behind crumbs and a half glass of milk balancing on the edge of the coffee table.

Go outside.  Leave door wide open, yet slam shut screen door.  Every three and a half minutes, come in and go out, slamming the door every time.

Go downstairs to get something (I don’t know what yet.  I’ll wing it.)  Turn on every light switch I can find, even ones not in the area I’m going, them come back upstairs, leaving all the lights on.  I might even add in turning on a TV for good measure.

Take a bath using WAY more soap than I need and filling the now half empty bottle back up with water to make it look like I didn’t use that much.  Step out of tub and soak bath mat.  Walk down the hallway with a towel around me, but not having really dried off, so as to leave a slippery trail behind me.  Leave dirty clothes, a tub full of water, and a “surprise” in the toilet for them to find later.  Get dressed and drop my wet towel on the carpet.

It’s going to be so much fun!

 

If they made it, I would buy it!

As I’m doing a quick pick up and turning off the lights in the Rec Room, my eyes scan across the couch and spot a pile of puke. 

Awesomesauce!  This is exactly how I want to start a Monday.  I hope it’s not an omen for the week to come. 

I grab and cleaner, a towel and begin the removal process. 

My husband walks in the room and asks,

“What happened?”

“Someone puked on the couch, so I’m cleaning it up.”

“Well it wasn’t me!”

“I hope not, because I used pet cleaner instead of husband cleaner.”

I have yet to find this in any box store or mom ‘n pop shop, but if you see any, let me know!

I’m the Queen and this is my Throne

Now before you get jealous, my throne is the toilet, specifically, the toilet in my children’s bathroom.  Every week it is encrusted with pee, and every week I scrub it shiny, making it fit for, well, a queen.  Then every week, it becomes a royal nightmare again.

My children are 11 and 9 and have been using said toilet for 9 1/2 and 7 1/2 years, respectfully.  (Yes, I potty trained them at 18 months, and yes, it was easy, but that’s another blog.)

You would think that by now that would have figured out how to get the majority of their business inside to bowl.  I secretly think they have a chart somewhere and give each other stars for messiness or unique displays.

Today I found urine on EVERY surface of the bowl from the lid down, the toilet brush holder, the trash can, the sink cabinet, and the floor.  After my scrubbing extraordinaire, the bowl is exceptional.  You could eat…. never mind.

My beautiful, wonderful, apparently aim-challenged son comes in the room and exclaims, “It smells different in here Mom.”

“That’s what clean smells like.”

“Oh, cool!”

Toilet clean I turn my attention to the sink.  How the #$%@* did they get toothpaste there?!?!?  Someone hold my crown, I’m going back in!