Not quite what I was thinking buddy

Wednesday is my grocery shopping day.  I’m one of those price checking chicks.  The new ads come out Wednesday morning, so I rake over the sale prices, matching up the discounts with my necessities, then head out for the hunt.

One might think, with all the preparation, I actually enjoy this experience.

Wrong.

I loathe grocery shopping.   The squeaky, wobbly carts, the slow, aisle blocking shoppers, moving the same item six times just to get it in your kitchen cabinet.   And yet, the people I live with keep eating, so I have to go out week after week.

So, every week, I have a competition with myself to see how fast I can get in and out.  I time myself from parking lot entry to parking lot exit.  My goal yesterday was 1 hour.   The sun was out and I had a pool lounger calling my name.

I entered the lot at 2:19.  Start the clock.  Short list, minimal fellow shoppers impeding my path, open and quick-moving check outs.  As I started the ignition to leave the lot, my clock time read 3:05.  I WIN!  (Nothing, but I win, so there!)

All that stood between me and the pool was getting this stuff in the cabinets.  As I quickly unloaded the goods, I chucked the package of TP at T-Dog, asking him to put it away.

“Ok Mom.”

3:34 Groceries are away.  Here I come pool!

I rounded the hallway corner, I saw this.

photo copy 6

Well I could have thrown it down the hallway, plus I clearly remember asking him to put it away and him answering in the affirmative.  Instead of nagging, I simply stepped over the tissue, got into my suit, grabbed my towel, and walked out the door.

I’ve decided I’m starting a silent wait-and-see protest a la Ray/Deborah/and the stinky cheese suitcase.  My question now is, how long will it be there before someone puts it away, because I’m not touching it.

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Grocery Cart Confessionals

I go grocery shopping every Wednesday.  In my twisted logic, it’s the perfect day: the new ads are out, there’s no weekend crowd, it’s mid-week incase we need anything to get us to the weekend, plus, the weekend’s in sight, so you can stock up for it.  As an added bonus, I go at 3:30 when I get out of work before all the ‘normal’ people get their release.  (Before you ask, no, I do not consider myself normal.  I purposely work as a school social worker with behaviorally and emotionally disordered kids.  It’s crazy, but, then, so am I!)

Despite all my planning and list making, it never fails that the moment I get home my ridiculously over-priced haul, I am inundated with items I forgot to pick up.

And this is how you get a grocery cart confessional.

Yesterday after work, I ran back to Wally World to get the random 6 items that were left out.  I get the most entertainment out of watching the face of the cashier as she tries to figure out my life based on the hodge-podge of items I have decided to buy together.  This was yesterday’s purchase:

Pizza Crust

Italian Sausage (Admittedly, those first two items do go together.)

Light Bulbs

Yarn

Dog Treats

A Prescription

What, your don’t have a dog with a low thyroid, who doesn’t like to knit in the dark while enjoying a slice of pizza????

Well I do!

 

Who are these people?

So I’m strolling leisurely through the grocery store the other day.  Scratch that, I barreling through the aisles, throwing things into my cart, attempting to beat a land speed record because I LOATHE being at the grocery store.  It is a horrible place.  You move the same item at least six times just to get it home.  It’s a waste of time and so flipping expensive.  I wish I could do an I Dream of Jeannie head bob and have my shelves restocked, but, alas, no one has created that technology yet…

Anyway, I’m cruising down the aisle, navigating around the sale items and Halloween displays when I am stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of this.

 

Now I understand being an animal lover.  I love my puppy and my old-decrepid cats.  I consider them family members.  But subjecting your pet to this seems like cruel and unusual punishment.

 

He’s definitely not my father.  Heck, he’s probably not anyone’s father.  He’s most likely neutered.

I get the cut necker-chiefs and even the fancy beds, but this just seems over the top!

Plus, without opposable thumbs, Fido, I mean Yoda, could never hold his light saber.

I mean, really, who are these ridiculous people who would waste their hard earned money on silly get-ups for their pet?!?!?

 

Um…. Wait.  Nevermind.  Disregard.

 

I’ll be that lady!

So I make a weekly trip to the grocery store like most of America.  I loathe grocery shopping.  You put the item in the cart, take it out, put in on the register, put it in the bag, you load the bags in the cart, push to the car, put the bags in the car, take them out of the car, carry them in the house, take the food out and put it in your pantry.  I move the same item a gazillion times!  But I know it has to be done, so I try to be effiecient.

I prepare all week.  I have a system.  The list is on the refridgerator door.  We make notes of things we ran out of or extras we would like to have.  I go through the ads and find the price matches.  Yes, I’m that lady you don’t want to get behind so say, “That is .99 a pound at…”  I place all the price matches together in my cart and on the register belt to make it easier.  I presort my groceries by food, non-food, cans, boxes, cold, fruits, vegs, chips, and bread to make it easier for the poor person I’m going to inflict my massive haul on.  Oh, and I use recyclable bags, so I’m that lady too.

What I hate most about grocery shopping is that no matter how well you prepare, you always miss something.  Sometimes it was in your head, but not on the list, you run out of something important the minute you get home, you forgot a birthday or occassion, or something breaks.  Whatever the case, I find the mid-week trip back to the store usually creates a fairly embarrassing situation, because the two random things you go back to get are always an odd combition.  Today is case in point….

Thursdays I make hamburgers for my family.  There is usually always a sporting practice of some kind on Thursday night and hamburgers is something I can make and whoever is out can eat it when they get home.  I looked in the fridge this morning and I did not have hamburger to make patties.  I almost always have hamburger, so I didn’t get any.  Apparently there is NOT an endless supply of hamburger that magically appears in my freezer.  Then my husband sends this text…”Need toilet seat for the downstairs bathroom”. I don’t even want to know why we need a new toilet seat.

So now I’m going to be that lady.  That lady with the uncomfortable with hamburger and a toilet seat in the check out today.  I’ll be that lady the checkout girl talks about in the break room….  “And then this lady came through with hamburger and a toilet seat!”  Lucky me!

What is your funniest check out combination?