I got nothing.

You know those times when you engage in a conversation and, as it spirals out of control, you wish you had a board to smash against your head or a needle to poke in your eye, because self-mutilation would be a better decision than continuing this back and forth exchange.  Please grab a seat and enjoy my misery…..

Person – “Hey!  The Packers lost yesterday!  Ha!”

(Sidebar – I am a huge Green Bay Packers Fan..HUGE.  I have game day routines and gear.  I don’t take calls during games and was a raging bitch on wheels the second half as their imminent loss in the playoffs became apparent.  I engaged in a ranting, profanity-laced session and had one Facebook casualty in the process.  It was necessary…He’s a Bears Fan.)

Me – “It was Saturday.  And yes, I’m aware.”

Person – “Beat by my 49ers.”

Me – “Your 49ers?  You don’t even like them.  My favorite type of fan is one who comes out of the wood-work AFTER a win.”

Person – “I do like them.  I like lots of teams.  The Chargers.  The Yankees.  The Red Sox.”

Me – “Um.  1.  Those are different sports.  And 2. You can’t like the Yankees AND the Red Sox.  They’re rivals.”

Person – “Yes I can.  I’m between them.  I also like the Heat.”

Me – “Different sport…again.”

Person – “I’m really mad that they haven’t said who’s in the Super Bowl yet.”

Me – “That’s because the playoffs are still going on.”

Person – “I hope the Giants don’t make it.  I hate them.”

Me – “Well, they won’t because they didn’t make it into the playoffs.”

Person – “Or the Broncos.  They suck.”

Me – “Well they actually did make it into the playoffs, but they lost this last weekend.”

Person – “That’s because Eli sucks.”

Me – “Um, Eli doesn’t play for the Broncos, that’s Payton.”

Person – “Well, Tim Tebow never got them to the playoffs.”

Me – “Actually he did, last year, won a play-off game for them in overtime.”

Person – “No he didn’t”

Me – (Blank Stare) “I got nothing.”

Now where the hell did I put that board?????

 

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More…Conversations from my Life

**** Disclaimer…. No spouses were harmed in the gathering of information for this blog ****

Welcome to the latest addition of….  CONVERSATIONS FROM MY LIFE

Saturday:

Peter – “Oh, I forgot.  You’re 37 and you have 2 kids.”

Me – “What does that mean?”

Peter – “You’re no fun anymore.”

Today:

Peter – “Remember that trip to Minnesota we took?”

Me – “Yes.”

Peter – “You were hot then!”

Peter’s 0 for 2 in this week.

For all of you who were wondering, I have not shoved him out into the doghouse, mostly because we do not own one, but he is currently checking all the couches in the house to see which one will hurt his back the least.  😉

 

I got nothing

You know those times when you talking with someone and they make a statement that just dumbfounds you, so much so, you’ve got nothing left to say in reply?  Yup, that was my day….

As a reminder, I work with behaviorally disordered kids.  Craziness, stress, and chaos are like air, lights, and water at my work.

These are two of my conversations from today.

Student 1 – “I’m going to drop kick you from here to New York!”  (Yes, I was threatened with physical harm today at work.  Repeatedly.  It’s normal.  It happens all the time.)

Me – “What direction is New York from here?” (We are in Nebraska)

Notice my sly distraction to get off the topic of assaulting me?  I’m tricky like that!

Student 1 – “East.”

Me – “Correct!”

Student 2 – “Oh yeah!  What direction is Florida from here?”

Me – “I know.  Do you?”

Student 2 – “Yes.  North!”

Me – (Shaking my head)

Then, within minutes…

Student 1 – “Can I go to the bathroom?”

Me – “You just went 15 minutes ago!?!”

Student 1 – “Yeah, but I only went Number 1”

Me – “Great…”  (A few minutes later)  “Ready to go Number 2

Student 1 – “I don’t have to go Number 2!”

Me – “But you said you already went Number 1, so there’s only Number 2 left.”

Student 1 – “Umm, NO!  There are numbers 3, 4, and 5!”

Me – “What are Numbers 3, 4, and 5?  Nevermind…I don’t want to know.”

You think I would have figured out by now to stop asking them questions….

Close encounters of a third kind?

 

Welcome to another conversation from my life….

Tonight, I get the kiddos home from school and am getting homework started, when my darling son realizes that he has brought home his Science book when he was supposed to bring home his Social Studies book.  Of course you did….  Back in the car we go, driving like crazy, hoping like heck that there is someone at the school still with a key.

Today is yet another day that the sun shines on my golden boy!  He was able to get in and get the book.

On the ride home, this conversation ensues.

Trystan – “All of the kids in our class know that aliens exist except for one.  (Names have been changed to protect the innocent) *Jimmy doesn’t think that aliens are real.  He said he’s going to prove it!”

Me – “How do you know that aliens are real?”

Trystan – “Umm, because of the pyramids, duh…aliens!”

Me – “Umm no, Egyptians.”

Trystan – “No!  And all that squiggly writing….aliens!”

Me – “Again, Egyptians.”

Trystan – “Right mom, sure, Egyptians.  How did they move all those stones???  Aliens!!!”

Me – “Sounds like we have a topic for research tonight.”

Trystan – (Silent, just shaking his head at his ill-informed mother.)

As we pulled in the driveway, I ask,

Me – “Hey, how did you get that stain on your pants?”

Trystan – “I don’t know.”

Me – “I do…… ALIENS!”

My beautiful baby boy, gives me a smirk, rolls his eyes at me, and exits my truck.

 

Who are you talking to???

Ok, I’ll admit it.  I talk to myself.  I talk to myself ALOT.  I don’t see anything wrong with it.  I find it rather cathartic.  I talk out the steps to things I’m doing or planning on doing.  I talk to myself while I’m doing things, kind of like I’m my own motivational speaker.  This works especially well when I’m working out. 

I talk to myself when I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone.  I found this particularly helpful when I was a teenager and I was preparing my ‘defense’ or my version of the story for my parents.  Wait… What??  Scratch that, I was a perfect child.  I never had to bend the truth to get out of trouble.

I find where I truly excel at talking to myself is in the area of “I am so freakin’ teed off and I wish I’d have thought of this to say to you when I was talking to you!”  I’m really, really good at this one.  I can hash and re-hash a conversation or situation.  After the fact, I always come up with EXTREMELY witty things I could have said or more cleaver ways to say the things I did manage to get out of my mouth. 

In my head, I’m a conversational genius!  Unfortunately, I have to keep interacting with actual people…..

Conversations from my work

(Just a reminder if you didn’t read my bio.  I’m a school social worker at a school for behaviorally disordered special education students.  My daily interactions and conversations are, shall we say, interesting.)

Here are a few conversations that I had or listened to at work this week.

1.  Scene – Teacher has given an assignment over cause and effect of air currents.

Student – “I can’t find the answer!!!!”

Teacher – “It’s in this paragraph.”

A few minutes later…. Student – “I still can’t find it.”

Teacher – “Read this sentence.”

A few minutes later…. Student – “I still can’t find it!!!”

Teacher – “The answer is the first sentence.”

Student puts pen to paper and writes ‘The first sentence.”

Teacher – “No, the answer is in the first sentence.”

Student – “Oh, so what is it?”

 

2. Scene – Staff member finds a quarter.

Staff member – “Hey look!  I found a quarter.”

Student – “It’s mine. I dropped it!”

Staff member – “Ok, whose picture is on it?”

Student – “I don’t know!”

 

3.  Scene – Student sitting in my office with me.

Student – “So are you full white?”

 

4. Scene – Student working on a worksheet from class.  The textbook is open in front of them.

Student – “I don’t know where to find these answers!”

Me – “If you read the section, you’ll find the answer.  The generally write the answers to those worksheet questions in the textbooks.”