Dirty little secret

Every night, sometimes right after dinner, sometimes a little later, my kids will ask for dessert.  The answer is usually ‘no.’  Now, we’re not monsters, we do say yes about two times a week.  We’re not against a treat now and then, we are just trying to teach them self regulation, making healthy choices, and to take sweets in moderation.  At least that’s the reason I tell them.

It’s time I let you in on a dirty little secret of mine.  I am a closet candy and treat eater.

I tell my kids no about gorging themselves on sweet little chocolate candies.  No to sticky, gooey ice cream.  No to crumbly, crunchy cookies.  These things are all terrible for them.  All processed garbage.  All bad food choices.

Then, after I’ve told them no and sent them on their way… I break into my secret stash and sneak a little treat for myself.

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What?  Like you don’t have your own stash of ‘mine-and-only-mine’ candy somewhere in your abode.

Now, for those of you brave enough to admit that you’re a closet candier, you know the trickiest party of the whole operation is getting in  and out of the stash without being detected.  I’ve developed maneuvers that would make the Navy Seals jealous.

Wrapped candy is typically a no-no.  Too much noise.  M&Ms are a good, quick grab, but turning over the bag to shake out a few is risky.   Instead one must fish out a few at a time.  Ice Cream is very tricky since it includes sticky fingers and dishes to dispose of.  If you must, you have to wait until they are asleep, deep asleep.  They have incredible radar when it comes to the freezer door opening.  You can sometimes get away with cookies, if you have the TV volume high enough to cover the crunching and crewing.  But be warned, the minute you bite into one delicious Golden Oreo from the package you have hidden with the pots and pans, they come running to ask you a desperately important question.

Due to all of these potential land mines, one of my new go-to’s treasures has become frosting and animal crackers.  If you plant the animal crackers strategically (aka in an easily accessible container), you can open the pantry, grab one (who am I kidding, grab four), open the fridge, swipe them through the frosting can, consume, and go about your merry way completely undetected.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  It seems like a lot of work just to sneak treats behind my kid’s backs.  Why don’t I just let them have dessert more often and give up the cloak and dagger routine?  Well that’s an easy to answer.  If I let them get their grubby little hands on the goods, there will be less for me.  Plus, I have another dirty little secret.

I don’t share well.



  1. Kerry, this was great! I have a secret stash of candy, too. This morning as I was pouring my morning coffee, I tried to discretely unwrap a Reese’s peanut butter cup when out of nowhere my daughter asked me, “What are you eating mom?”

    Needless to say, I got caught and ended up having to share my treat with her!

  2. Yes! Kids have perfect radar for this sort of thing! I could have kicked myself in the butt the other day. I bought one cinnamon roll at the bakery and was going to eat it when the kids went to bed that night (my husband’s out of town for the week). Unfortunately I forgot to hide it when I got home so when they got home from school they spied it instantly on the counter….*&#**^/@….I had to share my one gooey, sticky bun with them.

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