One of those days…

It didn’t look like it would be one of those days when I rolled out of bed.  If I had known what was in store for me, I might have just stayed under the covers.

I started the day in a hole, digging out from the paperwork I abandoned the previous day when I went running for the hills at quitting time.  As I began to scribble on a few pieces of paperwork when…

BBBRRRIIINNNGGG!

WHAT!?!?!  That can’t be the start of the day bell, I’m not caught up yet.  Great.  This better not be a sign.  As I walked to the door, I heard the familiar voice of a student making demands.  No hello, no how are you…just demands.  Man I wish I had worn my armor and closed toes shoes today.

This isn’t my first day at the rodeo, so I strapped in and prepared for the roller coaster ride that I knew was about to become my whole day.  I’ll spare you the details and cut straight to the cliffs notes.

Today I was..

– Called the following names: F*#^ing C*#!  / P*#@y / B^&#% / Stupid A&*$h#@e / Dumbo (clean and funny) / You A#* / Stupid C*#! / F*#^ing A&*$h#@e.  (I quickly realized that we need more swear words in our vernacular, as the student had to keep changing up the combinations so as not to repeat insults.)

-Pushed, grabbed, pulled, picked up, run into and flailed at by flying body parts.

-Insulted and threatened repeatedly.

-A witness to my office be torn up and my desk attempted to be ransacked. (Ha Ha!! I lock that baby everyday for a reason!)  Good luck I’ve played a fair amount of dodgeball and can move away from flying objects.

-A lightning quick magician who wrestled scissors away from angry hands.

-The luck recipient of a milk shower.  Yes, as a finally thank you from my student I wore the milk from their lunch.

Finally, 5 and 1/2 hours later, the dismissal bell rang (why does it sound oddly like a tap out bell?) and I was free to put my angel on a bus and begin my endless phone calls and paperwork.  Crap!  I still have yesterday’s paperwork.

As if I wasn’t already drained and living on one frayed nerve, I received a personal phone call telling me a medical procedure we were waiting for approval on is delayed.  Awesomeness!  Because if my professional life is going to blow up, might as well have a personal crisis join the party.  Sweet!

Last nerve officially gone.

I wanted to put my head down and cry.  (I think I might have a for a little bit, but don’t tell anyone.)

I set my mind on auto pilot, sped through my phone calls, packed up my paperwork to finish at home and made a beeline for the door.

When I got home, I switched into mom mood, hoping I could muster enough strength to push through to bedtime.  I was knee-deep in homework and getting ready to start the sports taxi when it happened.  The universe began its work to even itself out.

Not knowing how much I needed a boost today, a neighbor read my ‘cry for M&MsFacebook post and snuck a package onto my porch.  I opened my door and saw this.

I instantly smiled, laughed, and cried.  She could not have known how terrible my day was.  She could not have known how low I was feeling.  She could not have known how much I needed that.

Thank you Caryn.

 

 

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Nice Try!

Some people have kids to love, cuddle, and cherish.  I had mine to make sure I have someone to spoon feed me, change my pants, and let me live in their basement in my golden years.  No really!  And you have to have at least two.  One might be a screw up who refuses to be guilted into taking you in.  It’s too much of a risk.  A side bonus to bringing these crazy kiddos into the world, is their ability to provide an endless stream of blog material for me to put out into the universe to, hopefully, entertain the masses.

These two conversations happened within minutes of each other this afternoon.

While I was correcting my kids homework, I called Paige over to look at one of her math problems.  As I’m asking her a question, she leans in breathes on me.   Luckily, I was already sitting down or I might have fainted from the smell.

Me – “Whoa!  Um, you need to brush your teeth.”

Paige – “I did!”

Me – “Apparently not good enough.”

Paige – “Well…. I did have gym today.”

Me – “Yeah, that’s not how that works.”

Nice try Paige.

Then within a matter of minutes, Paige reaches into her backpack, pulls out a dollar, and announces, “Hey! I found a dollar!”

Trystan – “If it has George Washington on it, it’s mine.”

Nice try Trystan.

 

Keep dreaming sweetheart

In an attempt to get a jump-start on my weekend laundry adventure, (I know I’m stuck doing it.  I might as well give it the best title possible!) I put out an all call in the house.  All laundry report to the washing machine for proper sorting and load assignment, STAT!

The kids hauled theirs down right away, then came up to offer help with mine.  (Quarters still working!)

As we walked into my bedroom, I said to Paige.  “Hey, grab your dad’s pile of clothes, put it with the stuff in the hamper, and take it all downstairs.”

Paige – “Ok Mom, but why doesn’t Dad just put his clothes in the hamper?  It’s right there!”

Me – “I don’t know Paige.  He just doesn’t.  None of them do.”

Paige – “Oh, the man I marry will use the hamper!”

Me – “Sure Paige.  Good luck with that.”

Oh the optimism of youth!

Close encounters of a third kind?

 

Welcome to another conversation from my life….

Tonight, I get the kiddos home from school and am getting homework started, when my darling son realizes that he has brought home his Science book when he was supposed to bring home his Social Studies book.  Of course you did….  Back in the car we go, driving like crazy, hoping like heck that there is someone at the school still with a key.

Today is yet another day that the sun shines on my golden boy!  He was able to get in and get the book.

On the ride home, this conversation ensues.

Trystan – “All of the kids in our class know that aliens exist except for one.  (Names have been changed to protect the innocent) *Jimmy doesn’t think that aliens are real.  He said he’s going to prove it!”

Me – “How do you know that aliens are real?”

Trystan – “Umm, because of the pyramids, duh…aliens!”

Me – “Umm no, Egyptians.”

Trystan – “No!  And all that squiggly writing….aliens!”

Me – “Again, Egyptians.”

Trystan – “Right mom, sure, Egyptians.  How did they move all those stones???  Aliens!!!”

Me – “Sounds like we have a topic for research tonight.”

Trystan – (Silent, just shaking his head at his ill-informed mother.)

As we pulled in the driveway, I ask,

Me – “Hey, how did you get that stain on your pants?”

Trystan – “I don’t know.”

Me – “I do…… ALIENS!”

My beautiful baby boy, gives me a smirk, rolls his eyes at me, and exits my truck.

 

Mrs. Fix It

Yesterday our circle held its 4th annual neighborhood block party.

The highlight of the block party is always water balloon volleyball.  For those not knowledgable in this epic sport, here’s the low down.  First, you fill as many water balloons as possible and set up a volleyball net.

Next, you divide into teams and give each team a bed sheet.

Then, you set a water balloon in the center of your bed sheet.

Finally, you launch the water balloon over the net, hoping the other team misses it and gets drenched.  Repeat until you run out of balloons or fall over laughing, whichever comes first!

Yesterday, I started out early getting the volleyball net set up.  Unfortunately, over the course of the summer, we lost the ropes and stakes to the net, used to anchor the poles.  I got out our picnic table awning, because I knew it had ropes and stakes we could borrow.

Ropes – check

Stake –  Umm, where the @#%#% are the stakes?

This is no good.  We have to have a net.  We HAVE to play water balloon volleyball!

Off to the garage to search like crazy for something we can use as rope stakes.  Now my husband and I are not builders, yet we have a garage full of really pretty tools.  I thought briefly about using some screwdrivers, but I just kept seeing mental images of them coming loose and becoming flying daggers.  That would certainly kill the party atmosphere.  Then…the holy grail…. a full set of Allen Wrenches.

Allen Wrenches are those hexagon shaped thingies (Its a word!) you need to screw in those weird hexagon shaped screws they give you in “put together yourself” furniture.  The stuff you buy before you can afford real adult furniture.  We have a lot of it.

Allen Wrenches may help you put together your entertainment center, but, I now know, they also make excellent volleyball net stakes!

Problem solved!  Net up!  Party saved!

On my last minute walk through to grab the final party supplies, I find these buggers just hanging out on the porch railing…

 

 

 

 

Goldmine

 

“Paige, I need to you vacuum the living room.”

Stomp, stomp, stomp, “YOU ONLY HAD ME SO YOU COULD MAKE ME VACUUM!!!!!”

“Yes, that was my whole evil plan.  Nine months of pregnancy, labor and delivery, the whole infant phase, ten years of raising you and paying for you, all so I could get a few years of free vacuuming out of you.  I’m evil like that.”

This was an actual conversation that happened in my house a couple of years ago.

We make our kids do weekly chores and pick up after themselves daily.  It was at battle sometimes at first (see above), but, for the most part, the complaints have disappeared.   They’ve just switched to eye rolling and mumbling behind my back.

When we first started having our kids do chores, we had the ‘allowance/no allowance’ debate.  We settled on no allowance.  I’m a firm believer in chores are part of your responsibility as a family member.  No one hands me a $20 for doing the laundry, so I’m not paying my kiddos for cleaning their rooms.

As my kids get older, they are wanting me to buy them things.  Things that I don’t believe are necessary.  Things they think they can’t live without.  Things I tell them they can spend their own money on.  Enter a new problem.  Getting money.  Since birthday and Christmas only come once a year, and no one seems to be dying to hire a talkative 10-year-old and a moody 12-year-old, I started my brain a-turning.  I had a dog in this fight as well.  They may want money, but I want a more peaceful house.  I was getting really tired of their constant bickering, snotty attitudes, and back talking.

Enter my genius invention….the quarter jars.

A few weeks ago, I put $10 worth of quarters each in two jars, one for each kid.  I told them at the end of the month, whatever was left in the jar was theirs to keep.  This got their attention.  But there was a catch.  Every time they decided to be rude, snotty, mean, back talk, not do what was asked, I would  take a quarter.  They didn’t like that very much.  I then told them that every time I saw them doing something extra, cleaning something without being asked, picking up something that wasn’t theirs to do, being helpful and generous, completing a task that is not normally theirs to do, etc, they could earn quarters.  I could see the dollar signs starting to glow in their eyes.

Immediately, they had to test mom and get in an argument.  Yeah, quarters for me!  They did not like having to get quarters out and hand them over.

A few days later, I walked in the kitchen after lunch and the sink was empty.  I looked around in disbelief.  Did they just throw away the dishes?  My daughter says to me, “I washed and dried the dishes and put them away.”  I nearly fell over.  This girl leaves a trails of mess wherever she goes.  Dishes sit in her room for weeks.  Maybe its a fluke.  A few days after that, my sons stands up and announces, “I’m going to pick up the dog poop.”

Holy crap…It’s working!

I’m sure the kids think they have found their goldmine, their ticket to those new iPods they want.  I know the real goldmine is mine!