Lessons in the checkout

I shop at Wal-Mart.  I shop there every week.  I know they are an evil monopoly that push mom-and-pop stores out of business.  I also know they have the lowest prices out there and will price match anything…ANYTHING.  In order to compensate for the low prices, there are a number of things one must endure; the most interesting are my fellow shoppers and the employees.  Luckily for me, I write this blog, so they also offer me weekly material.  (Before anyone yells at me for dissing Wal-Mart employees, my brother is a former Wal-Mart manager, so I am well aware that not all employees are ‘interesting blog subjects’ but you and I both know there are a handful in every store.)  As I shop there weekly (or more if I forget things), I hope to make ‘Lessons from the checkout’ a regular post.

Picking a checkout lane is probably the most crucial decision you will make in Wal-Mart each trip.  Pick poorly, and you could be stuck in the check out twice at long as your shopping trip took you.  Younger males are almost always the wrong choice.  They’re usually ok speed wise, but they bag poorly.  Squished bread is always bad.  Middle aged women are usually a good bet.  No nonsense, want to get the job done well and quickly.  Younger women…its a role of the dice.  Well this week, I took a gamble and hit the jackpot.  Now she’s not overly speedy and her bagging skills leave a lot, I mean A LOT to be desired, but she is the best talker out there and sometimes, that is a trade-off that is worth it.  I don’t want to give away her identity, so I’ll just call her Jane.

I went to Jane’s line and started the regular chit-chat, talking about the nice weather and the upcoming weekend.  Jane mentioned that she was going to Kansas City this weekend with her boyfriend.  Once Jane starts talking, she just talks.  She doesn’t really wait for a response.  This is no give and take conversation.  This is the long and short of my talk with Jane.

Me – “It’s such a nice day outside!”

Jane – “Yeah?  I’ve been in here.  I haven’t seen it.”

Me – “Yes.  Very sunny.  I think it’s supposed to be nice all weekend.”

Jane – “I’m going to Kansas City this weekend with my boyfriend.  He’s a DJ and DJing this car show.  He’s got a hummer.  He broke up with me for a while, we just got back together and I find out he bought a hummer while we were broke up.  He’s showing the hummer in the car show too.  His friend’s going with us to Kansas City.  His friend bought a hummer too.  He things he’s so cool.  Whatever.  I don’t know what I’ll do at the car show, probably just wander around.  Then he’ll get all pissy that I’m off doing stuff on my own, but what am I supposed to do, just stare at him the whole time?  There are always these girls there that hang all over him when he DJs, wanting to be with the DJ.  They think it’s so cool to get with the DJ.  There’s this one that was acting like that once at this one show.  She’s all looking at me and giving me these looks and all.  I’m sure he slept with her and I just wanted to say to her, ‘Yeah, you where with the DJ, but you’ll only ever be just a one night stand.’  He might have been with her but he’s going home with me.”

Me – (Starring blankly at her.)  “Um, so Kansas City.  Sweet.  I love going to Kansas City.”

See what I mean!!!!  She might put my shampoo with my crackers, but she’s golden!



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